reunion

*****Math 112 taught by Bob Speiser my freshman year at BYU was one of my best classes. I can honestly say that I can't "do" any calculus now--though I still remember that the slope of something is its rate of change (right?), and I can take a simple derivative; I also have math anxiety dreams where I'm staring at equations and nothing makes sense and the clock is ticking; and, I don't plan on actively refreshing my skills until Leah starts her math glory days. BUT, I do remember the kindness and genuine concern of Dr. Speiser. He taught real math concepts--not just numbers and formulas that I had grown accustomed to from high school math. He also taught that there are multiple ways to approach mathematics--and got me thinking ABOUT math and its applications in my life. He also taught us about being.

It was a total joy to reunite with Bob last night at Thai Basil in Sacramento. Eroo and I picked him up at the Vagabond Inn in Old Town and met Jon and the girls at the restaurant. The last time I saw Bob was in our wedding line, almost 7 years ago. Since then, he's been through a miraculous open heart surgery, more students than I'll possibly ever know as a teacher, and numerous Zen retreats in the mountains of Northern California. (I'm sure there have been many other monumental occasions in that time, but this is all we had time for in our short visit.) But, after such a long hiatus, he still cares about me as a person, about Emily, and about the paths that our lives are taking. He commented about my relationship with Jon and how we seem so happy together--how I seem so happy as a mother--how the things I perceive about myself as weaknesses are quite possibly strengths. Talk about affirmations! Speiser is one of the most warm and affirming people I have ever known. I left the evening quite exhausted, but totally invigorated. Bob's presence is both overwhelmingly peaceful and overwhelmingly energizing....it's a strange dichotomy, but it's the truth.

After we were home, I told Jon what Bob had said that had made me so happy (Jon had left the restaurant early because Leah and Esther were too much to be reckoned with) and I resolved (I think Jon did too?!?) to be more like him--open with our spirits, ready and willing to bless others with our peace.

my gills (and boy)

So we're deciding between a few pics for estie's poster shot? any clear winners? (ain't they sweet?)

the road to darlybird

When I was little, my mom started calling me "darlybird" and it just stuck. (That was when I was being darling; on other occasions, my siblings and I were dubbed "turkey trotter"s.) She mainly calls me rachel or chi or chi chi to my face, but on birthday cards and other written correspondence, it's usually darlybird.

So when I decided that I was going to open an online business selling visually stimulating and well-designed products (targeted to youngish, hippish, interested-in-entertaining and augmenting-their-environs-with-cool-and-useful-things types), I was stumped to find a name that would aptly represent my mission. Then darlybird hit me and I knew it was it. So, I set out building my ideas and my website. I went through the rigamoral to get a California seller's permit, I made business cards, I spent HOURS doing online research to find the coolest products, and I went to the San Francisco International Gift Fair in San Fran (duh!) in August. I was totally enthused and hyper about this venture. I figured I could make a few extra bucks from home while I had fun finding cool stuff for myself and some of the rest of the world. (The latter being the prime reason for the mission, although a few bucks never hurt anyone!)

But then when push came to shove and it was time to find a REAL graphic designer/web design guru, and time to order thousands of dollars worth of products, and time to get going on the actual business, I became paralyzed. Suddenly the thought of dealing with no-name customers who thought the magenta platter was more purple than pink, or the person whose vintage apron was one inch too short totally overwhelmed me. I imagined Esther purple lipped and screaming to get out of her booster seat while I shoved more Trader Joe's O's on her tray and tried to squeeze a few more minutes of work-time into my day. I didn't want my children to be the total losers in this affair, yet there was something tangible that my darlybird venture was giving me.

I realized I didn't have enough capital to start and do this thing full-fledged--and somehow doing it halfway didn't appeal to me at the time. Anyway, I kind of dropped the idea dead in its tracks; I cancelled my website service (and the website was looking pretty cute, I might add), and I didn't follow through on the leads I got from the SFIGF. Instead, I started canning, working on my house, and threw a house"cooling" party to get some of my creative energy out. Let's just say that I kind of threw myself into domesticity as much as possible. I started blogging, too, which has helped me find sanity in the long days with no adult outlet.

But yesterday, darlybird, the business, started tantalizing me again. The purple-lipped, yelling Esther is a true story from last evening at about ummmm....5:45. So where does that leave me? I don't know. [As a sidenote, I come from a very creative woman who had her own non-profitable business....I still remember my dad telling her, "Laura, you can't sell knitting machines for the wholesale price and then you end up paying the sales tax on them. We're losing money on Harmony Studios!" (cute name, huh?). My sisters have all entered the business dream, too, to greater and lesser extents...] So, I've posted some of my favorite products. Please tell me what you think. Does this stuff appeal to you personally? Would you be interested in some of my products? (no, I'm not really soliciting sales on my blog....just feedback). Friends and lurkers, if you're out there, please chime in on this one. You're my only hope.

(And btw...i think i'm going to have to order the melamine platters with or without you....and the stationary from waste not paper....and a booster seat for esther....and you get the picture....)

blahg, blahg, blahg

I haven't been blogging lately; I keep thinking, "this could be a blog," but then it seems forced and I don't like that feeling. I know that a blog is supposed to be nothing more than an online journal, but there definitely enters a major sense of self-awareness unlike my journals when I know that other people are reading. At the same time, I like that other people are reading. Obviously that's the case, or I would just sit down and write in my journal, or type on my word processor. I want to write. So I'm just going to catalogue some moments that I've had in the last little while that have made me stop and think, or just take a deep breath....

folding clothes the other day, i came across a pair of leah's little tiny underwear....pink with green kermit the frogs all over (or kermits the frog? i'm having the dreaded "book of mormons" conversation in my mind right now)....i was turning them inside out and saw the little liner part and had this sudden overwhelming feeling of sisterhood for this little 3 year old. she's a woman and she's mine, but she's really my spirit sister and i'm hers just as much...

jon's b-day was thursday. i got heidi and stephanie to babysit (they love to come together--not that we need a 1:1 ratio, but they want to come together. isn't that SO cute?) we went out to dinner and had a great conversation about where we're going in life. does jon go to more grad school for a phd (RISK) and try to become a professor and world renowned expert on international water issues? does he focus on his job as an attorney and pursue the lifestyle of an attorney--with the job security, monotony, and money? do i pursue anything besides motherhood and hobbies right now? why is motherhood so draining and amazing at the same time? why does it tend to rob women of aspirations--worldly or otherwise? it was very affirming because we were able to delve into all of these conversations without feeling threatened or defensive (which sometimes happens, esp. on my side of the table....) i totally felt a deep kindredness/friendship with jon that far surpasses our relationship when we first got married. this stage is so much more rewarding than the first few years of figuring each other out. we've got lots of figuring to do yet, and many ups and downs i'm sure, but it is nice to be at a place of understanding and acceptance. we're on the same team.

esther is totally coming into her own. she is totally adorable, and has a will of iron. we went to san fran on saturday to take her pic by the golden gate bridge, ala leah's poster-size shot in front of the eiffel tower. she was so exhausted by the time we got there (after a 3-hour romp in ikea to buy a completely new bathroom which will happen this weekend...) that she was a bit ticked. i sat her on the grass and was taking pictures of her when a swarm of at least 8 asian people with amazing cameras with foot-long zoom lenses came around where we were. i asked them if we were in the way and they shook their heads yes, smiling. jon said, "i don't care, we were here first," and continued to snap away. i looked around to survey the offended chinese tourists, and realized that they were there, swarming, to take pictures of esther and leah, who by this time had joined esther on the grass and was hugging her. they were giddily speaking their language and laughing at the scene; they obviously didn't understand my prior question. i went to pick estie up after a few seconds and after i did, a lady followed me and got a mega close-up of esther's pudgy little face. she (the asian woman) was so thrilled with it! now i know that asians are notorious for their over-picture-taking, but these people were genuinely enchanted with my two little birds. it was heart-warming!

I was watering our front yard yesterday to make sure the new hydrangeas and gardenia flourish, and that the old birch tree doesn't wilt, and a conglomeration of neighbors converged at different times. i love being part of a neighborhood community....it is so refreshing and extraordinary. sometimes i think of us all from an aerial view (google earth's shot of my neighborhood is in my mind) and i zoom in further and imagine what donna and tony, louise, june, monika, merrily & scott & lacie, etc are doing in their respective homes. i love thinking about it at night when we're all nestled and cozy in our beds. i wish google earth could capture some of the great things that go on on this earth, rather than just map the streets. (although i must admit i was thrilled to find out who had swimming pools in my hood.) GOOGLE GOOD EARTH should be their next project....

until then, i think i'll go make some more granola for my neighbors.

my digital camera is broken

any suggestions for a replacement? i'm jealous of all of my friends'/family's fabulous blogs and their amazing pictures. it's busted and probably not worth repairing. any suggestions on cameras before i just drive over to costco and pick up the first one i see?

SMACK DOWN

So I had my first meeting with Emily, my new personal trainer; let's just say that I've got a lot of work to do. She did a fitness assessment, and while I did fine on that, I got really scared when she pulled out the measuring tape. Although I have a tendency to over-share, I'll spare myself the humiliation and you the details; suffice it to say, my upper thigh is now only 2 inches smaller than my waist when I got married a mere 7 years back. And when I uttered this shocking truth to Miss Emily, she started nervously laughing. I asked her, "What's so funny?"

She answered: "You know how people laugh when they're in a really awkward situation?"

My assurance: "Do you feel awkward right now? I don't." And I really didn't.

The body fat test she did was insane. I almost fainted at my percentage until she told me that even her score was dramatically higher than true on this particular scale/machine. I'm truly amazed that the 25-30 lbs. I've gained have wreaked this much havoc on my body. Then again, that's about the size of Leah, a three and a half year old. I'm now imagining strapping Leah onto my body and somehow absorbing her into me--I don't want another 28.5!

I then confessed my love affair with the baked good. And she told me to go off for 2 weeks to get the sugar and cravings out of my system. I told her that I'd try really hard not to eat baked goods/sweets for two weeks. I asked if jam was o.k. "I wouldn't if I were you. But after two weeks, you can start adding sugars back in, like rice and Ezekiel Sprouted Bread and some of the other non-refined carbs." That's when I said, "Rice is a sweet? You know, I'm just not an extremist. I've tried to do things this way before and I've always failed. I'll try on the baked good front [maybe after David's wedding reception? The excuses are already creeping in.], but I can't add another insane diet to the food allergy situation."

So then I got the fitness test and my "prescription" for cardio is 4-6 times per week for 30 minutes. Sounds doable, but challenging. I better go sleepies so I can wake up to my 6:25 alarm call. Argh. Moral: Maybe thinnies don't have more fun.

Turning a Leaf

I'm re-turning over a leaf. It's not a new leaf. It's an old one that has been turned and over-turned far too many times to count. It's the "exercise-more-frequently-and-eat-right-more-frequently" leaf that I've had a continual battle with. In my recent quest for clarity, here are a few truths I've come up with:

1. Exercise is the hardest addiction to acquire. Once I'm in exercise synch, it's truly necessary for my well-being. Once I'm out of the habit, it's the hardest thing for me to go back to. Why? I think there are a lot of reasons: "I won't be able to run even one mile...I used to be able to do three or more without stopping....," "I don't have any cute exercise clothes....," "I'm so exhausted. Having two kids has taken everything out of me....," "I'm totally too busy....," "A gym membership is too expensive...," blah, blah, blah. I've been going to the gym for almost 3 years now--with the exception of illness, vacation, and post-partum recovery, I've gone about 3 days a week. Now I'm finding that I aim for 3 days, and I end up going 2. That's a problem. I'm not making progress. So the first of my new goals was realized this morning: in addition to my MWF workout plan, I woke up and went at 6:30 today (and I plan on going on Thursday, too.) I feel great. I'm exhausted now, but what the heck--I'll adjust! I think I'm coming back to addict status.

2. Even pudgy people are happy. Take Ina Garten for instance. She is adorably pudgy--and seems very happy. She has fabulous dinner parties. She has a house in the Hamptons. She has her own t.v. show. She has a perpetual special occasion justifying her use of heavy cream, twice as much butter as necessary, loads of sugar, and all other most beautiful and fattening trappings. I'm generally pretty happy, too, but not satisfied with the status quo. Either way, it's good that I've learned that you don't have to be thin to be happy.

3. BUT: Thinnies have more fun. I should actually say that In-Shapies have more fun, because I don't really care about being skinny. As Dr. Katz of Comedy Central fame would say, "I've got a sister.....she's big boned..." It's been my lot since June 28, 1976. The big-boned sister. That's O.K. So I've given up skinny. But, when I'm "in shape"--when jiggling is at a minimum--shopping, looking in the mirror, dressing up, dressing down, getting down, getting busy (read into that whatever you want)----it's all more fun.

4. Healthy foods really are the most delicious. (With a few small exceptions: the dessert genre--see below) Today I checked out my neighborhood fruit/vegetable stand for the first time. It's called Farmer's Wife, and while it's no Pedricks, I was delighted by my take homes: a $3 flat of "blemished" heirloom tomatoes in the most terrific rainbow of colors, 2 baskets of strawberries, 6 kiwis, a honeydew, carrots, celery, green onions, purple onions, yellow onions, and a red pepper. YUM! I came right home and started researching what I can do with these multitudinous heirlooms in the next 12 hours before they become juice. So I just removed a pan full of roasted heirlooms from my oven. I think I'll combine them with whole wheat pasta and fresh basil and parm for a delicioso dinner. I also made a quick batch of hummus in my attempts to get Leah eating a more healthy variety of foods. Last night we had Tuscan White Bean Soup, Salad, Organic White Cheddar and Garlic bread from TJ's, and soft and chewy ginger snaps. Usually, the simpler the better! Healthy, healthy, healthy...yummy, yummy, yummy.

5. Desserts in moderation are fabulous. If there was a DA (Desserts Anonymous), I'd be the charter member and poster child. There are few things more satisfying than a delectable baked good--or 5. I could easily go without ice cream for the rest of my life, but baked goods? No WAY! I've tried cold turkey. Can't do it. So moderation has to be the key. How am I doing? Well, let's just say that I've only had one gingersnap today. I'm going to go with it.

poop girl

estie was supposed to be sleeping in her crib, but as i was ignoring her whining, a thought occured to me: "what if she has a poopy diaper and that's why she can't fall asleep?" i ignored her for one, maybe two more minutes when i went into her bedroom and found her with her two chubby legs squished and dangling through crib bars--a poopy diaper off and sitting next to her, poop on her arms, poop on her legs. (thank goodness no evidence of poop on the face--i think she learned the unsavory undelight of poop last week when she decided to test it out as her latest new food.) Poop on the sheets, poop on the bars, poop on the shirt. why in the heck did i put her down without pants? you think i'd learn my lesson. leah NEVER had poop issues of this sort...plenty of other poop issues, but that's a different story.

feedback, please

i've found my tile for the kitchen countertop and backsplash and possibly for the bathroom shower and floor. i've been watching this website (www.hakatai.com) for their sale glass mosaic tiles. to my surprise, my ultimate favorite (the tricycle red ashland blend) is on sale this week! i'm going to get that for the kitchen (click on the first link). the second link is for the bathroom shower and floor. what do you think?

http://hakatai.com/XQ/ASP/ID.86/1.glass_tile_1/QX/Page.htm
http://www.hakatai.com/XQ/ASP/ID.219/1.cartersale-arcticblueblend/QX/Page.htm

highlights

*Jennie Rae Dalton Bowen and Brigham J. Bowen visited us! Fun included: Esther meeting J&B, Leah remembering and loving J&B--this morning upon waking up: "mom, i'm not looking for YOU. Where are Jennie and Brig?", Lucca sans children, Rick's Dessert Diner, hearts and nerts, apple hill and r.s. broadcast w/rae, jon's delish bbq chicken and vegies, leah dancing to "son of man" from tarzan soundtrack 24/7 and demonstrating her new move: the one-foot twirl (heaven help us!)

*Esther discovered a new delicacy: her own poop! I was letting her nasty yeast infection (from the antibiotics from her uti/kidney infection--woe is woman) air out without diaper and decided to shower....poop potential didn't EVEN cross my mind. Leah informed me that Esther was "eating her ****," which in the shower sounded like "esther is eating her food" instead of poop. needless to say, leah tried to clean up and brought an orange washcloth full of poop to me in the shower. Poo was all over my precious est and all over the floor. thank goodness we're ripping out the carpet asap. i almost started that instant. and i gave esther an extra day of her antibiotic for good measure. yes, i self medicate.

*Fall is here and there was thunder and lightening and the dusty smell this afternoon. Along with the seering summers in sacto, i can't stand the fact that there aren't thunder/lightening storms. this might be the 4th storm in 5 years. utah august, where are you? it electrifies me!

*"the rain in streng stays mainly...." on the roof! the uninsulated roof makes for the most amazing rainstorms in this house! it is the epitome of cozy! can't wait for the real deal in the ensuing months.

*june (our very ill and 70-something neighbor) called me for the recipe for rice krispy treats a few days after our housewarming. she also trimmed her bushes in a major way and wants to get new big housenumbers. she also got out some spray paint and did a few projects. if i've inspired one person (esp. june), then i've done my job. happiness to june!

kitchen (will be torn out soon....) 

toyroom with mod 1960s mobile from dave, our old neighbor 

our fireplace! 

desserts! yummy, yummy! 

more fun neighbors 

some of our favorites... 

leah, molly, caityln, and jill! 

estie with sweet potatoes 

housecooling was heartwarming

We had the most magical evening last night; the weather was perfect, the food pretty darn good, the friends, priceless! There is something about having a conglomeration of good people together in your home. Their spirits linger long after they have left. I woke up this morning really tired, but totally energized at the same time. It felt very Crossing to Safety-esque. When Charity and Sid, Larry and Sally seem almost high after they've been together.

Jon and I worked ALL DAY on the house and preparations. Even Leah helped when she wasn't playing in the toy room or watching a little bit of Noggin here and there. It was the magical feeling of family work that my SISTER Leah always talks about. It was invigorating. We were a total team.

I was initially a little frightened to merge so many different worlds: new neighbors, old neighbors, friends, church associates, etc....but everyone was just so open to meeting new people and the energy was electrifying!

So, I'm already planning October's party. Halloween theme: October 21 or 22? We'll see...

and a semi-weird pic of me for lindy lou. the highlights are more blonde in real life. 

here's the green bench with hydrangea in the mid-right background. 

and again... 

more spraypaint fun! 

leah busy coloring in the toyroom. 

fooseball table compliments of fillmores