I'll never forget coming across this poem in my portfolio of school work that my parents had saved over the years. I was doing some "cleaning out"--which usually entails me getting so wrapped up in memories and sentimentality that the cleaning out never happens--i just make a bigger mess and spend all of my time reminiscing. I think I was 18 when I discovered this little gem, written in my 3rd grade cursive scrawl. When I re-read it for the first time, I definitely felt shivers...I love imagining my 3rd grade self writing this--and it getting lost and forgotten--and then my 18 year-old self re-discovering it just in time! The funny thing is that I totally feel these sentiments today; if I tried to write a poem about it now, it would end up much more contrived, awkward, self-aware....and so I don't try, but just sit back and enjoy what happened un-self-consciously in my 3rd grade mind. Special thanks goes out to becca claire who immortalized this poem on letterpress and gave it to me for a gift.
Beauty
Beauty is seen
In the sunlight,
The trees, the birds,
Corn growing and people working
Or dancing for their harvest.
Beauty is heard
In the night,
Wind sighing, rain falling,
Or a singer chanting.
Anything in earnest.
Beauty is in yourself.
Good deeds, happy thoughts,
That repeat themselves,
In your dreams,
In your work,
And even in your rest.
--Rachel Laura Harmon 3rd grade
(and don't ask me how i knew what 'earnest' was when i was in 3rd grade. i'm obviously brilliant and i have extremely bright parents!)
12.20.2005
12.19.2005
It's the hap-happiest season of all...and other random thoughts that don't really fit anywhere.
*Tonite we gathered our sleeper-clad girls to take in the stroller to deliver homemade fudge, cookies, and Christmas cards to our neighbors; if you haven't noticed, I adore our neighbors. But that's beside the point. Anyway, as Jon opened the door to leave, he gasped and stammered some exclamation. I ran from where I was signing the last of the cards to see our favorite babysitters--Heidi and Stephanie--gathering around the door----and then streams and streams and streams of people (I mean 40+ and there were even more that I couldn't see wrapping around the front of the garage...) congregating around them. The only other people I recognized were Lisa and Todd, the girls' parents. After singing two carols to us, they handed Esther and Leah two little dolls, and gave us a gift, too! The rest of the carolers were extended family members of our friends; they carol together every year. I was SO HAPPY that we were on their short list of carolees. Just last night as I was falling asleep (it took me 7.9 minutes instead of the usual 27 seconds to zonk into slumberland), one of my "topics" of thought was that I wanted carolers this year, but I knew we wouldn't get any...I told this to Lisa tonight and she said, "be careful what you wish for..." Anyway, it was so cute and happy and festive. I was so energized as all of these strangers piled into the 12 vehicles lining Tufts Street. That's the Christmas spirit!
*Also last night in my 7.9 minute pre-sleep revery, I had a "clever" thought: is there a domain or whatever you call it that is .mom? Obviously there's .com, .org, .net, .biz, .usa, dot every other country in the world, but is there a .mom? and if there isn't, how can i establish it and do something cool with it? and i was getting all excited about it, and then i thought, "is this the stupidest thought in the planet? one of those half-dazed and confused moments that seem brilliant to me now, but will be the laughing-stock of my morning routine?" and when i woke up this morning, I actually remembered this thought and I couldn't decide. what do you think?
*leah exhibited heroic effort and concern this afternoon. our friends cheryl, jaden, and beckam came to visit us (thanks so much, cheryl! it was so great to be with you today!) and as they were leaving, Jaden bounced a ball into the sidewalk and he ran behind their parked car to get it. at that same moment, cheryl turned the car on to warm it up....just the sound of the car starting inspired utter panic in little leah's voice: "cheryl, wait, wait...don't go! jaden's behind the car! Don't hit Jaden." She literally screamed this in the most genuinely worried voice I've ever heard her muster. I ran over to Leah, Cheryl to Jaden, and Leah was visibly shaken (and still shaking). After we said goodbye, I mulled it over with Leah: "I was like [can you believe she says 'like'? oh my...], 'Cheryl, Cheryl, don't go! Jaden's behind the car!' Mom, I didn't want him to get crashed because then he'd have to go and live in Jesus' place and I couldn't play with him." My little girl knows so little of life, but somehow understands so much.
*Also last night in my 7.9 minute pre-sleep revery, I had a "clever" thought: is there a domain or whatever you call it that is .mom? Obviously there's .com, .org, .net, .biz, .usa, dot every other country in the world, but is there a .mom? and if there isn't, how can i establish it and do something cool with it? and i was getting all excited about it, and then i thought, "is this the stupidest thought in the planet? one of those half-dazed and confused moments that seem brilliant to me now, but will be the laughing-stock of my morning routine?" and when i woke up this morning, I actually remembered this thought and I couldn't decide. what do you think?
*leah exhibited heroic effort and concern this afternoon. our friends cheryl, jaden, and beckam came to visit us (thanks so much, cheryl! it was so great to be with you today!) and as they were leaving, Jaden bounced a ball into the sidewalk and he ran behind their parked car to get it. at that same moment, cheryl turned the car on to warm it up....just the sound of the car starting inspired utter panic in little leah's voice: "cheryl, wait, wait...don't go! jaden's behind the car! Don't hit Jaden." She literally screamed this in the most genuinely worried voice I've ever heard her muster. I ran over to Leah, Cheryl to Jaden, and Leah was visibly shaken (and still shaking). After we said goodbye, I mulled it over with Leah: "I was like [can you believe she says 'like'? oh my...], 'Cheryl, Cheryl, don't go! Jaden's behind the car!' Mom, I didn't want him to get crashed because then he'd have to go and live in Jesus' place and I couldn't play with him." My little girl knows so little of life, but somehow understands so much.
12.16.2005
"MOM!!! Help! I'm STUCK!" (Tone getting a bit more desparate with every passing second.) Leah had wound this yarn around the ENTIRE house, tying and looping it on to various things (front doorknob, chairs, toys in playroom, etc) and then ended in a sort of conundrum where she couldn't move. That's when Rescue Mom came into play...
12.13.2005
funniest thing...
warning: This is one of those too-much-information posts. it might make you mildly uncomfortable, so skip if you're squeamish about personal affairs. but of course, you're going to read it now just because i said that. so sorry in advance if you think i'm too open. i got jon's approval before i posted this.
jon and i were driving home last night from a birthday party (taking a few detours so we could get our girls asleep in the car) and we were talking about issues (my particular issue is that i'm feeling pretty chubby as of late), and then jon told me: "i love you, i want you, i need you." i smiled. he added, "tonight." my response: "Only if you do the dishes." Him: "Sure." Me: "That is such a good deal." Him: "I think so too."
jon and i were driving home last night from a birthday party (taking a few detours so we could get our girls asleep in the car) and we were talking about issues (my particular issue is that i'm feeling pretty chubby as of late), and then jon told me: "i love you, i want you, i need you." i smiled. he added, "tonight." my response: "Only if you do the dishes." Him: "Sure." Me: "That is such a good deal." Him: "I think so too."
12.04.2005
What it's all about....
Please find the time to read this poem. It might enhance your life; it definitely did mine.
What Work Is
We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is--if you're
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.
Feeling the light rain falling like mist
into your hair, blurring your vision
until you think you see your own brother
ahead of you, maybe ten places.
You rub your glasses with your fingers,
and of course it's someone else's brother,
narrower across the shoulders than
yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin
that does not hide the stubbornness,
the sad refusal to give in to
rain, to the hours wasted waiting,
to the knowledge that somewhere ahead
a man is waiting who will say, "No,
we're not hiring today," for any
reason he wants. You love your brother,
now suddenly you can hardly stand
the love flooding you for your brother,
who's not beside you or behind or
ahead because he's home trying to
sleep off a miserable night shift
at Cadillac so he can get up
before noon to study his German.
Works eight hours a night so he can sing
Wagner, the opera you hate most,
the worst music ever invented.
How long has it been since you told him
you loved him, held his wide shoulders,
opened your eyes wide and said those words,
and maybe kissed his cheek? You've never
done something so simple, so obvious,
not because you're too young or too dumb,
not because you're jealous or even mean
or incapable of crying in
the presence of another man, no,
just because you don't know what work is.
--Philip Levine
What Work Is
We stand in the rain in a long line
waiting at Ford Highland Park. For work.
You know what work is--if you're
old enough to read this you know what
work is, although you may not do it.
Forget you. This is about waiting,
shifting from one foot to another.
Feeling the light rain falling like mist
into your hair, blurring your vision
until you think you see your own brother
ahead of you, maybe ten places.
You rub your glasses with your fingers,
and of course it's someone else's brother,
narrower across the shoulders than
yours but with the same sad slouch, the grin
that does not hide the stubbornness,
the sad refusal to give in to
rain, to the hours wasted waiting,
to the knowledge that somewhere ahead
a man is waiting who will say, "No,
we're not hiring today," for any
reason he wants. You love your brother,
now suddenly you can hardly stand
the love flooding you for your brother,
who's not beside you or behind or
ahead because he's home trying to
sleep off a miserable night shift
at Cadillac so he can get up
before noon to study his German.
Works eight hours a night so he can sing
Wagner, the opera you hate most,
the worst music ever invented.
How long has it been since you told him
you loved him, held his wide shoulders,
opened your eyes wide and said those words,
and maybe kissed his cheek? You've never
done something so simple, so obvious,
not because you're too young or too dumb,
not because you're jealous or even mean
or incapable of crying in
the presence of another man, no,
just because you don't know what work is.
--Philip Levine
Requesting Fun BABY SHOWER advice
So I absolutely HATE shower games....I feel like they demean women to sniveling idiots fighting over whether the green jar of baby food is green beans, zucchini, peas, or mixed vegies. Don't get me started, don't even get me started on the candy bar melted in the diaper one---to guess which kind of candybar poop it is....oh my. Sorry if I'm offending anyone right now who has thrown a baby shower and felt inspired or obligated to play either of these games. I've thrown several baby showers, none with games. Sometimes I'm greeted with absolute disappointment, "where are the games? that's the BEST part of showers!" and sometimes, like-minded individuals are relieved and thrilled that they don't have to take part in such antics. This is where my plea comes in:
Have you ever done anything at a shower (besides eat delectable earthly delights and give advice for the mom-to-be----which is my typical shower agenda) that isn't about poop or baby food or melting an ice cube with a plastic baby inside, do you get my drift---that was fun or worthwhile? I have a feeling that some of my new ward members will be disappointed that I'm boycotting games and not serving apple tarts with surprise ingredients (cheetos in the crust, yes really--and at a baby shower!) So if you've got anything great, or even a baby shower horror story, let me in on it...
another thing--i don't like the game where you feel the paper bag that has babycare items. nope. done that too many times to care.
Have you ever done anything at a shower (besides eat delectable earthly delights and give advice for the mom-to-be----which is my typical shower agenda) that isn't about poop or baby food or melting an ice cube with a plastic baby inside, do you get my drift---that was fun or worthwhile? I have a feeling that some of my new ward members will be disappointed that I'm boycotting games and not serving apple tarts with surprise ingredients (cheetos in the crust, yes really--and at a baby shower!) So if you've got anything great, or even a baby shower horror story, let me in on it...
another thing--i don't like the game where you feel the paper bag that has babycare items. nope. done that too many times to care.
12.02.2005
Queen Esther is 1
Yep! A year has passed since darling Esther Jane Harmon Schutz joined our lives....it's hard to believe! I kept looking at the clock all day yesterday and thinking about what was happening in the chronology of that all-so-important day a mere 365 days ago. Waking up at 5:30 a.m. with minor labor pains, sitting on the exercise ball and watching VH1's special on celebrity moms (complete with stories of their pregnancies and childbirth experiences--talk about tv serendipity...), a nice nap, and then, well, things went downhill from there (including me telling Jon, "I think it's time to go to the hospital now!" and his reply, "Do you really want to wake Leah up from her nap?" and "Let me finish this work assignment really quickly." I love my husband; vomitting all the way to the hospital, etc...) until I got my spinal injection (I decided not to "brave" "natural" childbirth on the 2nd time through--and boy am I glad! Any future progeny via me will have to be ready for a small cocktail of painkillers on their entry into this earth...no matter how many stripes I DID earn for Leah's entry, it just wasn't worth it!)
Anyway, back to Esther: her entry into this world was magnificent! I couldn't believe the rush of excitement and curiosity all at once. Who was this new spirit joining our now-more-official family? She was pudgy (8 lbs 7 oz), had tons of dark brown/black hair (with the most amazing SILVER hi-lites), and melted my heart from the get-go. She was a sleeper with a vengeance, a natural nurser from the beginning, and I could have cried when Leah first saw her, and in awe proclaimed: "Mom, she's a sweet pudge!" The feelings I'm dredging up right now are almost enough to make me want to do it again someday (and then I remember the 9 months of pregnancy misery, the intensity of labor pains, the perineal agony, the engorged boobs, sleepless nights, and I think I'll change my mind momentarily...sorry for the gore).
This Estie character has changed all of us:
Jon's love affair with our one little girl has now multiplied to two. They are both filled with JOY when he walks in every night. Esther's scream while he puts his keys, wallet, and loose ends away before he picks her up is only evidence of her love of this wonderfully familiar father. I am thrilled when I walk past the girls' bedroom and Jon is holding Estie tightly and singing to her to put her to sleep. I love that he is and will be a safe-haven for them throughout their lives.
Leah is a protector of Esther and an amazing big sister. Esther ALWAYS wants Leah around and follows her around the house. Just yesterday, when Leah was taking her once-in-a-blue moon nap (complete with contraband binkie stolen from underneath Estie's crib) Esther crawled around the whole house looking for her--I put her up by Leah, and she started pulling her curls, giggling and trying to wake her up! Sometimes I feel guilty that Esther doesn't get as much attention from me as Leah did--because let's face it--although love is not divided, but multiplied as more children enter the brood, time is divided...and when I'm feeling these twinges of guilt, all I have to remember is that Esther has an older sister who loves and adores her and fills in my gaps.
I have learned more about individual worth (YW Value #3) and divine nature (#2) than ever before. Somehow I thought my girls would have to be carbon copies of each other--I couldn't imagine another Jon/Rachel girl being anything BUT Leah....and I was so surprised and delighted that Esther is so Esther and is amazing and complex and a total queen-to-be (just like Leah, but in a totally different way). I've also learned that Heavenly Father is willing and ready to bless us in times of need...
So, Estie, I love you infinitely, and let me count a few of the ways:
*your revving hands (wrists rolling front to back) when you're excited
*your electrifying smiles
*your tantrums when you do "the snake" in place and scream
*your love of food--you must have your dad's metabolism! yippee!
*your willingness to forgive when I've let you scream in your crib and finally go in to rescue you and you are 100% smiles and love
*the fact that you slept for 80% of your life the first 4 months
*when you come in bed with us in the night (bad, but cozy habit) and i look over and see you sleeping peacefully--such bliss!
*your love of Leah--I can already tell that you're going to be lifelong friends.
*your hearty laughter is the most melodic noise in the world--it makes me so joyous
I'm so excited that you'll be my daughter into the wide forever....
Anyway, back to Esther: her entry into this world was magnificent! I couldn't believe the rush of excitement and curiosity all at once. Who was this new spirit joining our now-more-official family? She was pudgy (8 lbs 7 oz), had tons of dark brown/black hair (with the most amazing SILVER hi-lites), and melted my heart from the get-go. She was a sleeper with a vengeance, a natural nurser from the beginning, and I could have cried when Leah first saw her, and in awe proclaimed: "Mom, she's a sweet pudge!" The feelings I'm dredging up right now are almost enough to make me want to do it again someday (and then I remember the 9 months of pregnancy misery, the intensity of labor pains, the perineal agony, the engorged boobs, sleepless nights, and I think I'll change my mind momentarily...sorry for the gore).
This Estie character has changed all of us:
Jon's love affair with our one little girl has now multiplied to two. They are both filled with JOY when he walks in every night. Esther's scream while he puts his keys, wallet, and loose ends away before he picks her up is only evidence of her love of this wonderfully familiar father. I am thrilled when I walk past the girls' bedroom and Jon is holding Estie tightly and singing to her to put her to sleep. I love that he is and will be a safe-haven for them throughout their lives.
Leah is a protector of Esther and an amazing big sister. Esther ALWAYS wants Leah around and follows her around the house. Just yesterday, when Leah was taking her once-in-a-blue moon nap (complete with contraband binkie stolen from underneath Estie's crib) Esther crawled around the whole house looking for her--I put her up by Leah, and she started pulling her curls, giggling and trying to wake her up! Sometimes I feel guilty that Esther doesn't get as much attention from me as Leah did--because let's face it--although love is not divided, but multiplied as more children enter the brood, time is divided...and when I'm feeling these twinges of guilt, all I have to remember is that Esther has an older sister who loves and adores her and fills in my gaps.
I have learned more about individual worth (YW Value #3) and divine nature (#2) than ever before. Somehow I thought my girls would have to be carbon copies of each other--I couldn't imagine another Jon/Rachel girl being anything BUT Leah....and I was so surprised and delighted that Esther is so Esther and is amazing and complex and a total queen-to-be (just like Leah, but in a totally different way). I've also learned that Heavenly Father is willing and ready to bless us in times of need...
So, Estie, I love you infinitely, and let me count a few of the ways:
*your revving hands (wrists rolling front to back) when you're excited
*your electrifying smiles
*your tantrums when you do "the snake" in place and scream
*your love of food--you must have your dad's metabolism! yippee!
*your willingness to forgive when I've let you scream in your crib and finally go in to rescue you and you are 100% smiles and love
*the fact that you slept for 80% of your life the first 4 months
*when you come in bed with us in the night (bad, but cozy habit) and i look over and see you sleeping peacefully--such bliss!
*your love of Leah--I can already tell that you're going to be lifelong friends.
*your hearty laughter is the most melodic noise in the world--it makes me so joyous
I'm so excited that you'll be my daughter into the wide forever....
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