UPDATE

For those of you who followed my Pluto's incident, I just thought I should let you know that 2 months have passed and I still haven't received my free salad. What's a girl to do?

because these two apply...

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?
(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

--DJ e.e. (cummings)



Something to look forward to

Menopause--word used as an insult:
a menopausal woman, mind or poem
as if not to leak regularly or on the caprice
of the moon, the collision of egg and sperm,
were the curse we first learned to call that blood.

I have twisted myself to praise that bright splash.
When my womb opens its lips on the full
or dark of the moon, that connection
aligns me as it does the sea. I quiver,
a compass needle thrilling with magnetism.

Yet for every celebration there's the time
it starts on a jet with the seatbelt sign on.
Consider the trail of red amoebae
crawling onto hostess' sheets to signal
my body's disregard of calendar, clock.

How often halfway up the side of a mountain,
during a demonstration with the tactical police
force drawn up in tanks between me and a toilet;
during an endless wind machine panel with four males
I was token woman and they with iron bladders,

I have felt that wetness and wanted to strangle
my womb like a mouse. Sometimes it feels cosmic
and sometimes it feels like mud. Yes, I have prayed
to my blood on my knees in toilet stalls
simply to show its rainbow of deliverance.

My friend Penny at twelve, being handed a napkin
the size of an ironing board cover, cried out
Do I have to do this from now till I die?
No, said her mother, it stops in middle age.
Good, said Penny, there's something to look forward to.

Today supine, groaning with demon crab claws
gouging my belly, I tell you I will secretly dance
and pour out a cup of wine on the earth
when times stops that leak permanently;
I will burn my last tampons as votive candles.

--Marge Piercy

(and I know the last one is slightly graphic, but if you can't laugh at some of the images, i don't know what to tell you...and I think of the votives every time my rainbow of deliverance shows itself...)

appreciate THIS

So it was Friday and Jon and I were planning on a date to our new IKEA to eat in the cafeteria (Swedish meatballs, anyone?) and browse sans children. Our dear friends Ethel and Jefferson volunteered for babysitting duty, and we were all set. Or so we thought. That afternoon Ethel had a fabulous idea: "Why don't you guys just stay the night somewhere and we'll stay with the kids and you can come home in the morning." Hmmm....a very tempting offer. But I have a hard time leaving my kids with weeks of notice, let alone 4 hours of notice. And we've never BOTH left Esther, And the girls' meals are pretty complicated, And where would we stay? I'm no snob, but Motel 6 wasn't sounding too appealing for a getaway. And I didn't want to stick E & J with the burden of the bedtime/wake-up routine with the two monsties.

But Ethel being Ethel (love ya!) insisted, especially when I threw out the idea of it being a surprise to my Jonnie, the underappreciated husband. So for the next few hours, I frantically planned, plotted, and schemed. It was no small feat.

Needless to say, the evening was extraordinary, meatballs et al., and Jonnie loved ALL of the surprises. We decided that for the next who-knows-how-long, he will be doing my bidding to repay me my kindnesses. Isn't marriage such a great give and take?

I'm it now, too!

Phoebe tagged me. And now I finally feel loved, or wanted, like when you're not the last to get picked for teams in grade school, jr. high, and high school. So I'm not that athletic...or interesting...but someone finally PICKED ME! :)

4 Jobs I've had:
1. Calf babysitter at Livestock Auction (12 yrs. old and $3.25/hr.)
2. Billing clerk for David K. from age 14-24
3. Brackman's Bagels bagel artist
4. Jr. High/High School English Teacher

5 movies I can watch over and over:
1. BBC Pride and Prejudice ("FYMD," Martin!)
2. The Mirror Has Two Faces
3. Moulin Rouge
4. Anne of Green Gables
5. Room With a View

4 Places I've lived:
1. Centralia, WA
2. Provo, UT
3. Davis, CA
4. L.A. (Born and raised--for 2 weeks)

4 Places I Want to Live:
1. Carmel
2. Vernazza
3. La Jolla
4. Anywhere Marin

4 TV shows I love:
1. Gilmore Girls
2. American Idol
3. The Today Show (but I never get to watch it...)
4. ?? I used to like the Bachelor for the first few seasons (ashamed, yes) but I haven't watched it forever because the hoochy factor has been multiplied by 99 million.

4 Highly Regarded TV shows I've never watched a minute of:
1. ER
2. Law and Order
3. West Wing
4. Arrested Development

4 Places I've Vacationed:
1. Paris
2. London
3. Vernazza
4. Kauai

4 Places I Wish I Could Vacation:
1. Maui
2. Madagascar
3. a safari somewhere
4. Thailand (and a lot more once the kiddos are grown.)

4 Favorite Dishes:
1. Roasted Vegetables with Focaccia
2. Indian Feast
3. Tortilla Soup
4. Fruit Salad

4 Sites I Visit Daily:
1. mail.google.com
2. smallbusiness.yahoo.com
3. and all of my friends' blogs at least every few days? i'm sure that makes more than 4.

4 Places I'd Rather Be Right Now:
1. beach
2. beach
3. beach
4. beach

4 People I'm Tagging:
(I always feel like I'm a tele-marketer or pyramid-schemer when I enlist other people into these chains, so sorry and don't feel like you have to, but it's kind of fun....)
1. Tropical Velvet
2. Righteous Mama (sorry public, this blog is now members only...thanks for inviting me!)
3. Bluebell
4. Nat's Notes

if i had a million dollars...

i would buy you all a real-time computer movie camera so you could see estie rockin out to "lack of color" (death cab for cutie) and "fix you" (coldplay) right now. so dang cute!

let's just get on with it...

I feel that we're on the verge of something. Something I know not what. And that's the problem. I'm generally someone very averse to change: when my family moved to Provo 15 years ago, I was determined to not make friends for at least the first two years. And besides the occasional hang-out with beloved eroo (and a certain r.c. from provo, and my mia maid class--wednesday nights were my weekend equivalents) I made good on my promise; when I got married, I literally thought I was going to die for the first 4 months--I was tested for lupus, MS, read pamphlets from my doctor on fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, had an MRI--until I realized that I was having a 24/7 marriage-induced panic attack; when I had my first baby, I went through the ringer with insane post-partum obsessive compulsive disorder and thought that I had become evil (this, sadly, is not a joke). So why, now, do I feel like I want some big change to come and knock me totally silly for at least four months, maybe even two years, maybe even more?

I thought I liked the conventional lifestyle: husband goes to work, kisses the wife and kids goodbye while they're still in bed, wife and kids do random projects and chores and social excursions all day, husband comes home to cozy and cute wife and kids, warm dinner, and smiles abound all around. Well, I'm finally coming to the stark conclusion that this doesn't really work for me--and I certainly don't think it works for Jon-- and I'm ready for something big to change in this department. So what is it?

Not sure. Any suggestions?

I'm starting my business, darlybird, at a medium-slow pace (hope to launch by May 1), Jon's going to a job that he finds completely boring and usually thankless, and often we aren't cozy or cute when Jon gets home, and there isn't anything warm and waiting on the dinner table. So I realize that we are living the American Undream--we have the house, the 2.0 kids, the huge mortgage payment, and the hope that things will get better in their own due time. But I'm sick of the "own due time" clause, and I want to enact change now.

Jon's various proposals over the past year have included: quitting law job and moving to Costa Rica under some very favorable conditions, i.e. we pay $10,000 / year to live with a Costa Rican family and Jon teaches English every day for free. (Sounds like a mission without any of the spiritual perks. This is the time when I coined my phrase: "That is the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard." He actually thought it was semi-reasonable and felt very attacked by my rude reaction. I almost reverted back to the who-in-the-hell-did-I-marry panic attack mentioned previously.) Another plan: move to Tanzania to work on international water issues for the U.N. Sorry, honey, a war-torn African country is not the best place for one, possibly two, very severely food allergic children to grow up; nor is it an ideal location for a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So his plan of this week? Manage the Palmyra atoll somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Better. But I need social interaction to thrive. And sea-life doesn't count. The best thing I can think of saying when he suggests these plans is, "I'm sorry, but you really married the wrong person..." which I hope he never realizes and acts upon. I suggested selling climbing equipment online. Not risky enough. So what is a family to do? All we want is a little plot of land, a fabulously wonderful modern home, a garden, a few fruit trees, good schools, safe neighborhoods, and a whole lot of love.

Wait a second, I think we already have that.