I'll bet Marie Antoinette didn't have slippers this cute....

Precious Phoebe pheet (ha!) in sweet slippers.

1, 2, 3, 4

Despite our moments of grief over this girl, she's one in a trillion. I love my sweet darling Esther.

Classic

I adore this shot of Sibi and Esther. They were with a babysitter while I was working and came and found me. They had used every single hairclip and jewel in the girls' possession and went on a walk afterward. The picture actually doesn't do it justice.

Here's Looking at You, Kid

Friends at Dusk

E, S, S, L, and W scrambled up a 50-ft boulder hill. Triumphant!

The Year Of

I've had an "essay" brewing in my head for some time now. They come more slowly these days, fewer and farther between. I think the English teacher in me has been waiting for a stretch of time when I could flush out a thesis statement, make eased transitions, draw weighty conclusions. But life these days is anything but tidy, organized, thesis-able.

I've come through an interesting time, a time of sometimes-crisis, sometimes-chaos, sometimes "I'm going to bomb everyone and everything in my life," and sometimes-normal. Don't think I think I'm special: I realize everyone has stretches like these. It's just that I'm realizing it and writing about it now. The funny thing is that I don't really know it's happening until the crisis is upon me full-throttle and I'm at a breaking point. I'm only 32 and I think I've had 8 nervous breakdowns already. One of which happened about 10 minutes ago. (Over-exaggeration duly noted.) But that's a different topic sentence for a different "essay".

I have decided that 2009 is going to be my year of BALANCE. My body is out of whack with my mind, and my mind is out of whack with my body, my jaw is locked (literally, thanks to a case of stress-induced night clenching and TMJ), I've got a skunk patch in my hair, which some have actually told me is, dare I say, "sexy." The verdict is out on that one. I haven't had time to dye it recently, but maybe that's just an excuse for trying on my reality. Maybe I'll like being a skunk. {Or better yet, a sexy skunk. Yikes. I can't believe I just wrote that.}

So how am I going to achieve said balance?

It basically is a simple solution, but gets complex in the execution. I'm going to (as Oprah has decreed this week ***ASIDE: I do not watch Oprah usually. Not because I'm an elitist, but because I don't have time. And I don't want to sit around at 4:00 watching her pontificate while my 3 birdies are listening to every word. They don't need to know about weight issues, world peace, finding Zen, and what products they can't live without. But this week, I've Tivo-ed it and have been watching snippet by snippet, interested that her journey is strangely paralleling my own.) That was a long ASIDE. So back to the last sentence. I'm going to "put myself back onto my own TO DO list." Or something like that. I'm going to evaluate the things that really matter and earnestly seek to be deliberate in my decisions.

What does that mean?

So far, it means that I'm going to be
1) outsourcing the packaging and shipping of Darlybird orders. It has been a significant source of stress in my life, one that I finally realized is not worth it. I realize my folksy customer service is part of the charm of Darlybird, but have also realized that my family and my sanity are more important than a bit of folksy charm or a free bobby pin tucked into a package.
2) eating right. I am a self-proclaimed dessertaholic. I'm trying not to bake anything, lest I eat half of a batch immediately. I'm back to planning menus 10 days in advance. Want to see some of them? They're at harmonyfoodies.blogspot.com. Tonight we're following my older sister's lead with pizza and a movie night---I'm even using Darlybird tickets for my kids to "buy" their movie snacks with. They LOVE that. My dough is rising.
3) Exercising. I've taken a couple of short walks this week; nothing too much. But as soon as I kick this hideous cold, I'm going to be pounding the pavement. I'm looking my butt and belly in the mirror and deciding that I deserve better (aka "less"). I want to be healthy. I want to run.
More on Schutz Infirmities of the Flesh in a future essay.
4)Painting and clipping my toenails tonight. Literally. I think my toenails are an indicator of my level of self-desertion. I've got some work to do.
5) Loving my kids for who they are, trying to figure out how I can help them grow into who they want to become, and enjoying each other along the way.
6) Putting Jonnie back in the top spot. Phoebe has bumped him out this year, but that chica's gonna have to spread her wings and fly into her own room asap. Bye bye, chicalacca!
7) Keep a prayer in my heart always. I am spiritual---and religious---but the spiritual part is my core. I find prayer to be the most grounding, hopeful, and deliberate of yearnings....

More later. My dough needs to be rolled, cheese grated, sauce made. And Phoebe bird is waking from her nap.

Happy 2009!

We then took our Parachute, also from DSS and put each dog on the appropriate color and flung them all over the room. It was a fun evening.

Go DOG, Go

Esther and I have been going to Play Therapy for a few months now. Without going into all of the details about why, where, etc., I'll just say that it's been good for me to relearn how to play. We sorted dogs the other night. First into colors, and then into breeds. We gave them all nicknames (the Poodles were 'clydes'---more on having to find a new home for him later). You can buy dogs or bears to sort with your child through Discount School Supply.

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

Roses in mid November

Why I live in Cali. For now.

Lest you think the stress isn't getting to me. . .

Notice the shock of white in my hair. I have a skunk stripe. Have had it for a few years now. It looks much less major in this pic than in reality. I will never forget finding my first white hair. I was actually in HS. It was in the bathroom of the science wing at good ole PHS. Went to the bathroom during Chemistry class, was washing my hands, and lo and behold---a white hair. I've been hiding this for awhile with highlights or dye, but I'm thinking I might be ready to embrace it. Maybe for a little while. My mom's silver hair is a thing of beauty. I just haven't felt ready for it yet. Who knows.

GoofBall!

One day a few weeks ago, Esther couldn't find matching shoes. We were late for something, someone, or another, and I just needed her to get shoes on and get in the car. So I told her that she should be a "Goofball" and wear mismatched shoes. Now it's her favorite thing to do. "Mom, but I want to be a goofball today." I almost always happily oblige. I love this little goofball.

Inadequacy

I've had a lot of feelings of inadequacy as a mother lately.

I think it might go along with the job, and the sentiment certainly ebbs and flows. It's flowing lately. The other day I took Esther on a nature walk. I told her to point out everything she thought was beautiful and we would take a picture of it. This was her first pronouncement of Beauty. We were walking about a foot a minute because EVERYTHING was beautiful to her. Isn't that amazing? SO I kind of distracted her from the task so we could make a little progress (so adult of me, dang!) She was the most beautiful thing I saw on my walk. (And her sis, Ph.)

Phoebe love is so darn cute.

175 lb-er

at our neighbors' house. This is one of the coolest Jack-o-Lanterns I've seen. Spooky!

Halloween Friends

Look at these ladies. Did I mention that we have new neighbors who we love and adore with every fiber of our beings? This one is Sibi. She's a keeper. And Estie's new partner-in-crime.

Leah as Dot

Leah was a very sweet Dorothy. Notice she has Toto in her basket. We thought about bringing Clyde as Toto, but quickly realized that might not be the best idea . . . . at all.

Little Red Esther

This cape was PERFECT for Estie. So darling. She was pleased as punch. Maybe I was even more pleased.

Ph's Impromptu Costume

So Phoebe went to the church party as a flower. We had a pumpkin suit for her to wear, but it was going to be too hot. So she wore all green and I quickly hot glued lots of purple hair clip flowers to a hat. I thought it was a make-shift success!

Night View

She's My Girl

Happiness Is . . .

A Few Items of Business

1. I never went private on my blog. So for those of you who so kindly emailed or commented that you wanted to remain readers, I didn't not respond because I'm mean. I just didn't respond because I am terrible with follow-through, and I can't even follow through with pushing a button to make this private. Because that would entail going back through my emails to find the addresses of those people who did respond that they want to continue to be a part of the Darlybird's Nest. ARGH.

2. I have a giveaway at darlyblog right now. In fact, I've been doing a few and your chances of winning are fabulous, since I have about 10 faithful commenters. Thanks to you 10~ Do the other 10 of you want to have a chance at the darlylove? If my follow-through goes as planned, I'll be picking a winner tonite.

3. I'm not trying to be negative. I just reread 1 & 2 and they sound a bit bitter. I think it might be the Obama-as-Anti-Christ forward I got from my lovely (but naive) grandma. Do people really think that? I mean, I know we are all allowed our opinions---this is America afterall---but that is just going a bit bonkers if you ask me.

4. I don't know how to blog anymore. Lots of stuff is going on around here, but I have a hard time putting words to it. How about I just post a few cute pics? That's always easier.

32 candles

for the man i love.

Thinking of NieNie

I got this email from the NY Times last night and spent a good while thinking about my answers. While I'm not sure they will post any of my commentary, I thought I might as well share with the general populace why Stephanie Nielson is an inspiration to me . . . . The first paragraph is the email I received (I'm not sure how they got my info) on Tuesday night. My answers are in red.

Hello,

I'm a writer for the New York Times, and I'm working (with the cooperation of the family) on a story about Stephanie Nielson of and the tremendous online support she and her husband have received since their accident. I want to find out why people are so devoted to her blog and interested in her story. Since I'm reaching out to several people, please try to respond to my questions below in an e-mail, and I can follow up by telephone. Please include a phone number, as well as your age, city, and occupation. I'm under a very tight deadline, so if you could respond ASAP---early Wednesday, if possible---I'd really appreciate it.

My questions are:

* Have you ever met Stephanie in person? If not, how long have you been reading her blog? How did you discover it? How often did you read it?

Stephanie grew up in the same neighborhood I did. She was my younger bro's age, but I remember her . . . I've been reading her blog since late 2005. I discovered it through her sister Courtney's blog. Courtney was/is a friend of mine. I read the blog a few times a week---and catch up on all of her posts.

* How does Nie Nie Dialogues stand out from other "mommy blogs?"

While Stephanie is definitely aware that she has an audience, she isn't writing strictly for an audience. She has an agenda, but it seems very authentic to who she is. I like that it's not a product endorsement blog, but just a glimpse into the happiest parts of her life.

* Has Stephanie provided any personal inspiration for you? If so, how? Have you done anything in your own life to follow the example she has set? Did you ever get any ideas (on child-rearing, marriage, home decoration) from her blog?

Stephanie certainly has inspired me at many points---I used to read it and feel a little bit bad about myself sometimes----I certainly am not as this or that or the other as Stephanie . . . and my life isn't always so beautiful. But something about her blog was infectious and I couldn't stop reading. And then I came to terms with the fact that even Stephanie's life must have the yucky moments, but she wants to highlight the positive and the beautiful. The world certainly needs more positive, beautiful, passionate moments & positive, beautiful, and passionate people. Stephanie chose to share those moments and people with us, and for that, we are lucky!

* How have you personally responded to the news of her accident?

I have been terribly saddened by the news. I check Courtney's blog (cjanerun.blogspot.com) daily ---sometimes 2, 3, 4 times a day . . . . a few days after the accident, I thought of Stephanie and her zest for motherhood and immediately whispered "I LOVE YOU, Phoebe" to my 6-month old daughter. And then I told her again.

* Why have so many people who never met Stephanie felt so moved by her story?

She obviously inspired so many people to live full-er lives. To cuddle their kids more, to have more passionate relationships with their spouses, to eat more healthily, to be more deliberate about their homes. We all feel like we know Stephanie pretty well-----we were offered daily glimpses into her life--------and so it's weird to not have those glimpses any more. We got used to checking in on Gigs and Claire and Jane and Ollie and Stephanie and Mr. Nielson. And now that she's unable to tell the story, we are missing out on something joyful.

* Have you done anything personally (donated money, run an auction?) to help out the family since the accident? Please give details.

I own www.darlybird.com. I am a friend/acquaintance of Gabby Blair, owner of designmom.com. I offered a fun "Nie for a Day" package from Darlybird to be auctioned off at designmom on NieNie day. I also have a pair of Vintage NieNie earrings on Darlybird, where $5.00 of each pair sold (50%) will be donated to the recovery fund. I've sold a lot of NieNie earrings! The only other thing I can do is offer silent prayers for her body to heal and for her children to be watched over.


ADDENDUM: After rereading my answers, I want to offer a couple more thoughts:
1. I am thrilled that cjane has taken it upon her to record the goings-on of the Nielson family. I don't mean to insinuate that the torch has been left cold-----cjane's doing a grand job of keeping us in the loop. I look forward to her updates, and like I said before, check obsessively!
2. In an attempt to not claim too much of a closeness to Nie in light of jumping on board after a tragedy, I neglected to mention that I've had several exchanges with her over the past few years via email. I sponsored a few giveaways on NieNie Dialogues and was flattered that she'd consider Darlybird a worthy sponsor. She was always gracious and happy in her emails, usually ending with her signature "kisses" salutation.
3. I realize there are a kajillion people who are closer to Stephanie than I am. But since I was asked to answer the questions---and I doubt my answers will be printed---I realized I might as well share what I had thought about.
4. I have OCD. And so after posting this pre-addendum, I thought I might've come of as insensitive. And then it gnawed at me until I did as I do----here I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Such is I. Or me?