I feel that we're on the verge of something. Something I know not what. And that's the problem. I'm generally someone very averse to change: when my family moved to Provo 15 years ago, I was determined to not make friends for at least the first two years. And besides the occasional hang-out with beloved eroo (and a certain r.c. from provo, and my mia maid class--wednesday nights were my weekend equivalents) I made good on my promise; when I got married, I literally thought I was going to die for the first 4 months--I was tested for lupus, MS, read pamphlets from my doctor on fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, had an MRI--until I realized that I was having a 24/7 marriage-induced panic attack; when I had my first baby, I went through the ringer with insane post-partum obsessive compulsive disorder and thought that I had become evil (this, sadly, is not a joke). So why, now, do I feel like I want some big change to come and knock me totally silly for at least four months, maybe even two years, maybe even more?
I thought I liked the conventional lifestyle: husband goes to work, kisses the wife and kids goodbye while they're still in bed, wife and kids do random projects and chores and social excursions all day, husband comes home to cozy and cute wife and kids, warm dinner, and smiles abound all around. Well, I'm finally coming to the stark conclusion that this doesn't really work for me--and I certainly don't think it works for Jon-- and I'm ready for something big to change in this department. So what is it?
Not sure. Any suggestions?
I'm starting my business, darlybird, at a medium-slow pace (hope to launch by May 1), Jon's going to a job that he finds completely boring and usually thankless, and often we aren't cozy or cute when Jon gets home, and there isn't anything warm and waiting on the dinner table. So I realize that we are living the American Undream--we have the house, the 2.0 kids, the huge mortgage payment, and the hope that things will get better in their own due time. But I'm sick of the "own due time" clause, and I want to enact change now.
Jon's various proposals over the past year have included: quitting law job and moving to Costa Rica under some very favorable conditions, i.e. we pay $10,000 / year to live with a Costa Rican family and Jon teaches English every day for free. (Sounds like a mission without any of the spiritual perks. This is the time when I coined my phrase: "That is the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard." He actually thought it was semi-reasonable and felt very attacked by my rude reaction. I almost reverted back to the who-in-the-hell-did-I-marry panic attack mentioned previously.) Another plan: move to Tanzania to work on international water issues for the U.N. Sorry, honey, a war-torn African country is not the best place for one, possibly two, very severely food allergic children to grow up; nor is it an ideal location for a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So his plan of this week? Manage the Palmyra atoll somewhere in the Pacific Ocean. Better. But I need social interaction to thrive. And sea-life doesn't count. The best thing I can think of saying when he suggests these plans is, "I'm sorry, but you really married the wrong person..." which I hope he never realizes and acts upon. I suggested selling climbing equipment online. Not risky enough. So what is a family to do? All we want is a little plot of land, a fabulously wonderful modern home, a garden, a few fruit trees, good schools, safe neighborhoods, and a whole lot of love.
Wait a second, I think we already have that.
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25 comments:
They are always looking for teachers at the Liahona school in Fiji, Tonga and Samoa. A family I konw just got back from a two year stint there. It doesn't pay great, but since it costs nothing to live there, they saved a lot. the kids ran around barefoot all day.....
Could be fun.
:-)
the atoll idea was submitted yesterday. rather recent, aye?
I suggested packing up everything we own and moving to Maryland. Chantel didn't think this was a bad idea.
We're still in limbo over here - still in school. But sometimes the suspense of where we'll settle and what our life will be kills me! Although I think I did more of that before I got married. Who will I marry? WHat will my life be like? then.... What will my life be like with kids? now.... Where will we settle? What will we be doing?
It sounds like you crave the outdoors. Me, too. I kind of want to be a hick living in the country. But then I'd get lonely. I'm rambling way too much here. My point is, I sympathize and good luck!
I love your posts!! I like what Micah said about your it: "GREAT post! That's what blogging is all about. It's so insightful and personal and people can really identify with it."
Just today when Micah came home early, I said, "Now this is more like what I envisioned. Having my husband home early enough to do fun things as a family, helping with kids or dinner so I don't do both simultaneously,etc." Rachel, you are scaring me, I think I see my future unfolding before my eyes. Figure out the solution before I get to where you are and fill me in.
Chi,
I might have a position for you as a rancher on my Doon farm.
where do i apply?
Hmm, maybe we switched husbands accidentally?
Me: We should totally move to Jordan and work with the Bedouins
Him: Are you crazy?
Me: We could go teach English in Kenya you know.
Him: Are you crazy?
Me: Let's move to Argentina. We can live and work in Buenos Aires.
Him: Are you crazy?
Me: I figured out that you could teach Math (compromise) at an English school in Madrid. We could live there and really perfect our language skills!
Him: You're crazy.
Me: Let's live abroad, ANYWHERE and do something unusual/cool/world-expanding/
Him: How about we go watch a movie?
I get The Wanderlust.
I don't have any adventurous ideas, but as long as you're stuck in this state, this job, you could try for more flextime or whatever. You know, nonstandard hours, go part-time, make an office at home so you can have all meals together.
we're revisiting that romanicized idea of moving away from it all and finding some family business to get by. Or going permanently back to school. In other words, trying to figure out how to not let "must earn $" control our life course when we know family and learning are what we're really here to focus on.
But can we do that here and keep a good job, or do we have to move to a remote spot where other nuts are doing the same thing?
I think I know exactly what you're feeling. I always get that strange antsy sense that something big is going to change in my life, and it usually always does. It's exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time.
I've got to say, I've never felt more secure and happy since moving to IL. I am FINALLY at a point where I feel my life is at a stand-still. I love the feeling of security and normalcy in my life.
Jon should go back to school (somewhere that you could afford a home and have a reasonable mortgage), and you should focus more on the business.
I don't think I have heard someone complain so much about a life full of blessings. I have had miscarraige after miscarraige and until you know what that is like, then I am not so sure that your life is crap. Maybe you should stop focusing so much on your self and your made up diseases, your self-imposed lack of friends, and your lack of a camera and enjoy your family. I feel bad for your underappreciated husband, your girls, your Mia Maids, and for you. Only you can change how you feel. Maybe you should think about medication.
Maybe you've had so many miscarriages because you keep mispelling the word? Spelling Karma?
Secondly, you don't know anything about Rachel, so I suggest you take your obviously self-centered comments and move along. Next Blog!
Third, is this the Pluto Manager's Wife?
You are all right. I don't know Rachel, but when you post stuff for all the world to see, then I don't see why you would be mad that people are commenting on it. All I know is what she puts out there and it seems like there is a lot of complaining going on. I apologize for offending anyone, my comments were insensitive and I take them back. I also never stated that life is meaningful only when you have a miscarriages, so please don't put words in my mouth. As for spelling karma, it is sad that you don't know what causes a miscarriage, and I feel bad for your children, and if you don't have any, maybe that is just better for all of us. Spelling karma this bitch.
you guys must have comment deletion powers, right?
what ugliness.
Whew.....I was the first annonymous (I was logged in under a different blog...not a public one) and forgot to put my name. When I saw all that annonymous stuff I was a little bit worried. It was the SECOND one that you were talking about.
As for the second annoymous. I feel your pain. It stinks to be handed stuff in life like that. But, the one thing that I have learned over my short life span is that EVERYONE's concerns are valid. Even if Rachel WAS complaining (and we all do, right? It is human nature--but I think that you mistook the tone of some of her posts) it doesn't mean that her issues are less important then yours, just because yours are different. That was a hard lesson for me to learn but made me happier in the end. On the same vein, how about the reader of this blog that lost a spouse very young and is now single parenting young children? How about the reader of this blog that has cancer and faces an unsure life expectancy? Or whose child has cancer? How about the reader that has to help their child deal with abuse? How about the reader of this blog that would love to have "miscarriage after miscarriage" be the worst thing that happend to them? The fact that their problems are seemingly bigger then yours doesn't take away from what is such a painful thing for you, does it? We are all allowed to feel what we feel.
BTW, many of us that read here HAVE had extensive fertility issues and could have been quite a sympathetic support for you. Just because everyone's issues are valid, doesn't mean we haven't ever bristled when we hear someone complain about having to be pregnant in the summer, or someone to unexpectedly be having twins and be upset about it? Right? We are in defend mode for Rachel, but could have had a bit more sympathy for you too if the tone was different.
Good Luck to you and I hope you are able to find peace with your future family issues.
Jon,
Tanzania---NO
Costa Rica--YES!
I'm pretty sure that misspelling words has lead to each one of my miscarriages.
That's ok, each time I misuse "your" and "you're" or "it's" and "its" one of my relatives dies. It's a crap shoot whether it's a family member I care about or not. Win some, lose some.
The Grammar Gods are a frightening bunch.
I've tried to log in and leave 3 comments tonite, but each one has been erased. So i don't think it is meant to be that i dignify anonymous' comments with much more than this:
*i'm truly sorry i offended you with what you perceived as complaining. I recognize that I am VERY blessed. I am just a searcher--looking for ways to be deliberate in life and live the life that is best for my family. That means I'm often looking for other alternatives. I'm even more sorry about your difficulties with miscarriage. I'm sure your pain is great.
*I adore my husband and children. They are my greatest joys and the loves of my life. Still, being a mom has its challenges, as does being a wife to a complex and wonderful man. If I wasn't honest about that, the whole purpose of my blog would be in vain. We are unfailingly dedicated to each other and our darling daughters.
*This blog is public domain. What I write is open to be blasted by anyone. I guess I just never expected to be judged harshly by someone I don't know. I write for myself--and for the people I know and love. I think I'll change my profile to a password-only blog so that only the people who know/care about me can actually access it. Hopefully this will alleviate any misunderstandings about what I stand for in my life.
Good night and good luck.
Seriously...I just reread the archives...I didn't see complaining. I did see lots of things that moms and wives talk about....but not complaining...
I am perplexed.
What? I am late to this conversation?
Rachel, you are one of the most honest, refreshing and funny people. Whatever you want to call your style I think it rocks.
I'm really late on the conversation, but I have to add that I think Rachel is hilareous! We all complain--what a great outlet to do it in! Rachel is obviously a great mom and a great person, and the anonymous writer didn't catch the tone or the intentions of the writer, so work on that Ms. X, you'll make friends and influence people a lot better that way. Not only are the Grammar gods tough on syntax and spelling, but tone and style as well: Carina, be on your best behavior!
Come on anonymous, unveil yourself!
Interesting the title of this post, considering all that has happened within.
schutz - i understand your desires for costa rica. joanna and i have seriously been talking about moving to a coastal town in mexico.
i posted my comment before reading the ongoing discussions with anonymous.
what the HELL was that?!!
i thought that it was a weird joke at first.
Rachel - you're great and you know it.
Anonymous - get a life.
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