Is Zen the absence of emotion? (Would that be good?) Absence of desire? Or just the absence of thought? (During a pretty severe bout of post-partum OCD with #1, I used to tell Jon that I wanted a full-frontal labotomy--I didn't really know, nor do I yet, what that exactly entails. I craved absence to erase the non-stop thinking, worrying, ruminating...Paxil 20 mg fixed me right up and I think it's pretty safe to say that I no longer want the labotomy. And that feels good, too.) Or is reaching a Zen state more the presence of pure calm? I haven't reached any of these states yet, but I think I'm learning to navigate the insanity a little better? Hopefully.
Today we talked about emotions at Leah's preschool. When Mrs. Bird asked the group of 3-year olds if it was o.k. to be sad, most of them nodded their heads horizontally. And then she reassured them that it IS o.k. to be sad. The next question: Is it o.k. to be angry? Again, they all nodded no. She retorted, It is o.k. to be angry, too! I didn't realize it at the time, but she was reassuring me, too. Isn't it crazy, awesome, curious that we need to unlearn emotional stigmas when we're three, and then again when we're 29, and almost surely when we're 79? It's the opposition-in-all-things thing that I sometimes want to fight, but I realize it makes sense.
I remember one moment of teenage angst when I told my mom that I think God tricked me into choosing His plan...the other way seemed preferable in that instant. Obviously I was joking, but only kind of. (I'm the queen of irreverant jokes, but I know that God still loves me inspite of [and for?] it.) So today I'm giving a nod to the pleasant and the "un," the fun and the "not so," the delicious and the gross, the heavently and the human--because I'm not going to ever escape the downs, and they make me appreciate the ups even more- and here's a little list:
*trader joe's tulip pot for $2.79
*reading Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle to Leah tonite. I used to LOVE Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle, and I mean LOVE!
*Esther trying to swipe the un-opened Diet Pepsi can off Jon's desk while I type this. (I refuse to glory in her heinous scream and tooth pain. I don't see an upside to this yet.)
*Our home is basically putting us in the poor house. Hmmm....should that be public knowledge? You pay to live in Cali, and sometimes I want OUT; that's all I've got to say! But 63 degree weather today was amazing! Riding in the car with windows down? Magical.
*Allofmp3.com has really great music to download (for less than 10 cents a song!) And according to NPR, it's totally legal...for now. Burn, baby burn!
*Just now, as I was watching "American Idol," I started getting EMOTIONAL when Kellie Pickler, a girl who was abandoned at age 2 by her mother, and whose father has been in and out of prison for her whole life (druggie) was given the golden ticket by the judges. I think this proves that I've got my Grandma Jean's crying gene. Is it o.k. to cry, Mrs. Bird? I think so.
*I've only flossed twice in about 3 months. It's a never-ending battle. And the only reason I've done it for the last two nights is because I'm going to see uncle A.J., DDS next month while I'm in Utah.
*I'm totally doing my Darlybird business. It's happening. I'm excited and scared and nervous.
I'm happy to see that there are more happies than "not"s on this list. Hope yours has more joys, too.
29 comments:
you two rock it.
thanks b-dawg. we love you too.
hey chi, i, too, am an american idol addict and i got choked up watching kelli (pick me!) pickler. but now i have that darned kelli clarkson song stuck in my head (since you've been gone, yea-ah . . .)!
One of the reoccuring themes of my life is the need for opposition in all things. Salt and sweet, light and dark, pain and comfort. All sensations and emotions are heightened when placed in contrast to their opposite. How would you know a happy marriage unless you'd been through sad times together? Would you understand how sweet things are without the salt? The bad things just make the good things even better. At least, that's the way I'm learning to deal with it all!
You are such an amazing person and mom. Your darlins are lucky lucky to have a complex mother who is her own!
p.s. Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle rawks.
ah yeah, carina! salty and sweet: is that why i love kettle corn?
chi, i loved this too! i love(d) piggle-wiggle too and i know the emotional rollercoaster well. i whole-heartedly agree with jonny: "what i love about you is your cander, your honesty with life." good way to put it and i love that he put it in the comments. yeah for jon & chi!
p.s., the whole zen absence/presence thing is interesting. could it be both? what comes to mind is the motto of nothingness or emptiness but it seems like the zen state so described does have a presence factor too.
go esther!! hitting the diet p is a right of passage (true one i didn't go through until age 17, but still).
allofmp3 has made the last year a musical bliss.
zen? i always thought of it as the absence of worry.
I love your "God tricked you comment"....I have actually thought the exact same thing at times. hilarious!
If life were zen do you think we'd have interesting and entertaining blogs to read? I don't....there'd be nothing to look forward to.
So here's to trials and chaos in life! It gives us character and personality.
sing it, sister! you're so right, natalie. but sometimes don't you wish the chaos weren't so chaotic?
thanks for the mp3 tip, i am signed up!
i never floss.
i cry everytime i listen to carrie underwoods 'jesus take the wheel' yeah, i'll admit that.
we are penny pinching living in new jersey...we dont even have 63 weather. it is like 12. that sucks
good luck with your buisness.
take a yoga class.
much love!
I think we have case of the "I Thought You Said-ers" going on at our house.
I never floss either. Dentists be damned!
Do we get to see you next month?
Oh my stinkin' heck - you just made my day with that mp3 link. Now I have to mosey on over there and explore! And ditto to TJ's flowers. That store rocks.
Rachel...great post!
I had a party at my house last night and had a chance to visit with your sister for awhile. It was really nice to talk to her. We resolved to get together again and let the kiddo's play....we just need to DO IT!!! I will host if you ever come down to visit her.....
I hear you about being house poor. The stinky part is that we only bought this place because the state said we had to so we could have two more babies...they didn't come home and now I am stuck here....grrrr
I love to floss. Here's the gross truth: I love to see what I pull out of there.
Told you it was gross.
Oh Carina- I'm with you 100%. There is nothing like the satisfaction of flossing, and I look to see what it was too.
And Rachel-I totally get teary right along with all the singers who get so emotional when they get through. Unfortunately for me, it also goes the other way too- I totally cringe and get so embarrased when they're awful. The poor girl last night that was totally squeaky- I just kept thinking oh-simon, please don't be mean, please don't be mean. Why do I willingly put myself through these crises?
cjane and all utah bloggers--i'd love to get together when i'm in town. i arrive on the 14th and leave on the 21st. my bro is getting married on the 17th, so that day is totally out. i'm not sure what else my family has planned. but i'm sure i could fit in a blog lunch/dessert/something.
nie nie--i haven't ever heard "jesus take the wheel." i think i'll have to download pronto so i can get some tears flowin'.
bek--sus told me she was going to another party at your house. fun! i'd love to hang out next time i'm in p.a. i'm not sure when that will be, but i'll definitely contact you for a mommy/child play-date.
kristib--the squeaker was so tragic. and what about the michael jackson wanna be? and the guy who held the notes for so long. and, the list could go on and on. i used to think that all of the really bad people HAD to be fakes, just so they can get on t.v. but it's so apparent that so many of them really have their hopes and dreams wrapped around this and they think they are IT! and then i wonder if i tried out, my voice would probably squeak and crack when i got in front of the fearsome three, and i'd probably end up as one of the laughing-stock auditions. this is definitely may fave part of idol.
oh yeah, did you see the amazing Paris girl (african american, granddaughter of some famous soul singer of days gone by) who sang so beautifully? i can't wait to see more of her. (pretty pathetic, huh?)
Clarification-
"I thought you said-ers" was in reference to Mrs. Piggle Wiggle, not to Rachel.
Chi
I like your blog. It is refreshing.
chi, re. the "crying gene"--i was thinking last night that you've always had powerful empathy and imagination and remembered you telling me one day that you "went through a divorce" that morning getting ready for school (pre marriage of course). do you remember that? i have many fond memories of the life stories you'd flesh out for me for random strangers. to this day certain people will trigger "i wish rachel were here" knowing you would characterize them so perfectly!
ben, i'm glad you read my blog. that's fun for me, big little bro.
becca--yep, i sure remember the divorce--i always create huge scenarios in my head and then realize i'm divorced, dead, whatever, and i'm stressed about it and it isn't even true. the "divorce" you speak of was definitely pre-jon, altho sometimes,,,,ha ha ha! love ya, jonnie!
One of my favorite comedians (may he rest in peace) said that he knows how hard it is to stop smoking - it's just as hard as it is to start flossing.
Hope to see you when you're in this neck.
Hey, I am new to blogger town. I was introduced to it by "righteous mama's" article about blogging. Anyway I was looking around at other blogs to kind of get a feel for what others use it for. I read this blog and it is amazing how much we have in common. I went through post pardum depression last year and I enjoyed reading your take on the roller coaster of emotions. Anyway I hope this isn't intusive to post on your blog. I am just another Cali girl who feels your pain and gets your humor. I hope you don't mind if I converse with you on the blog.
Thanks Annie
intrusive? not a bit. please post at will. i'm glad that something i said resonated with someone else. and of course we can converse via blog! write away!
Thank you for not taking me as some stalker chick. I am interested, if you don't mind sharing, in your journey through post pardum. I have been writing about my experiences and would love to here about other women who have gone through similar trials. I take it from your entries that you are L.D.S.. I too being mormon had a hard time admitting I needed help ecspecially medical help. It took me awhile to be so candid about taking an anti depressant. Not that there is any shame in it. It was a relief to read your blog and how frank you are about it. I was just worried about being the subject of the ward newsletter via. gossip. Now I could care less and I embrace my "happy pill". Women just don't usually talk about it especially in the church. And I would like to change that. Well hang in there. Your "happy pill" just works better and better over time. You can respond on the blog or e-mail annruok@yahoo.com
(is this against blog rules to do e-mail?)
Again i understand if this is too personal. Oh by the way what is your buisness you are starting? Annie
LDS ladies on medication unite.
ah yeah!
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